Reunions

Every ten years, as summertime nears,
An announcement arrives in the mail,
A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;
Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met;
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
It was held at a fancy hotel.

We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,
And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
Now weighed in at 196.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd
Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;
Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain;
She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted "least" now was a priest;
Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys
Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who had driven
The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;
You never saw so many thighs

At our next get-together, no one cared whether
They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
By this time we'd all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade,
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.

And now I can't wait as they've set the date;
Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a hall
At the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid;
My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;
And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party,
I'll dance until dawn's early light.
It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one
Other person can make it that night.

Baby Boomer Quiz

1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he leave behind?_____.
2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the, _____ show.
3. Get your kicks, _____.
4. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed _____.
5. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_____.
6. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _____.
7. N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestle's makes the very best, _____.
8. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was, _____.
9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _____.
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was _____. Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and _____."
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their _____.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by? _____&_____.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to _____.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called _____.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the _____.

Answers:

1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
2. The Ed Sullivan show.
3. Route 66
4. to protect the innocent.
5. The Lion sleeps tonight.
6. The limbo
7. chocolate.
8. Louis Armstrong
9. The Timex watch.
10. Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
11. draft cards (the bra was also burned)
12. Beetle or Bug (or even Slug Bug!)
13. Buddy Holly
14. sputnik
15. hoola-hoop

The Perks of Being Over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Games for When We Are Older

1. Sag, You're it!
2. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
3. Kick the bucket.
4. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
5. Doc Goose.
6. Simon says something incoherent.
7. Hide and go pee.
8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
9. Musical recliners.

Signs of Menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. (twice)
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

Old is When...

1. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
3. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
4. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
5. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
6. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
7. "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
8. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
9. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Living in Michigan

• If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
• If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation
• If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March
• If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year
• If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there
• If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead
• If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time
• If your town has an equal number of bars and churches
• If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number

1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and under construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Ohio.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
18. You go out to a fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
24. You know what a Yooper is.
25. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.
26. You know it's possible to live in the thumb.
27. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a kevlar vest.

Great Truths Adults Have Learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

Great Truths About Growing Old

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The Four Stages of Life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Success

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is having friends.
At age 16, success is having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is going all the way.
At age 35, success is having money.
At age 50, success is having money.
At age 60, success is going all the way.
At age 70, success is having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

Black & White

You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set, "Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

Depending on the channel you tuned, You got Rob and Laura or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too.
Donna Reed on Thursday night! Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives. Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems, In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights, I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted. Alone in bed, they slept, A promise made, was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows. They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite, If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right. Life was better in black and white!

Then & Now

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund

Then: KEG
Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Growing pot
Now: Growing pot belly

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Going to a new, hip joint
Now: Receiving a new hip joint

Then: Rolling Stones
Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Calling the principal's office

Then: Screw the system
Now: Upgrade the system

Then: Disco
Now: Costco

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

Then: Taking acid
Now: Taking antacid

Then: Passing the drivers' test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Whatever
Now: Depends

Top 40 Tunes (Re-released)

• Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
• Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
• Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"
• Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
• The Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
• Marvin Gaye: "Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
• The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
• Abba: "Denture Queen"
• Tony Orlando: "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall"
• Helen Reddy: "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"
• Willie Nelson: "On the Commode Again"
• Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To"
• Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
• The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
• Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
• Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
• Nancy Sinatra: "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
• Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
• Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
• Steely Dan: "Rikki, Don't Lose Your Car Keys"
• The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
• Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
• The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
• The Troggs: "Bald Thing"